Into the Darkness

Sometimes I think it would be fascinating if, just for a few minutes, we could get a glimpse inside the consciousness of another person–not in an invasive way and not to read their thoughts or criticize their conclusions, but just for the added reassurance that we are similar to another person mentally. I equate this to being a student, and working on an assignment where the directions are not quite as clear as they should be. If you look around, you’ll see other people glancing at the paper of their neighbour–not to copy the work of another person or to let someone else do the thinking, but more just to make sure one is “on the right track”.

For the most part, I tend to feel that, if someone were to step into my head and look around, they would probably run away in fear. I do wonder though, whether other people think the exact same thing and perhaps I am indeed, fairly normal as far as normal goes. I tend to be particularly protective of my dreams, because dreams to me are a re-enactment of the soul, either for what happened or what perhaps SHOULD HAVE happened. Sometimes though, my dreams go a few steps farther and take on a psychic nature. These are the ones where I truly wonder if I am unique, or if everyone else has these as well.

Recently, I had what I will call “an un-dream”, because clearly it cannot be described as a dream. When one is first falling asleep, there is that period of total darkness but an element of consciousness is still apparent–meaning, you know you’re awake but that you’re heading down the path to unconsciousness. Sometimes when I’m in this state, I can see little flashes and shadows, but they never take on a specific form and they’re gone as quickly as they appeared. I didn’t know it was possible to form objects out of the darkness, until today when I had an amazing un-dream experience. As I was drifting off to sleep, the shadows came–but this time, they formed, in the distance, one perfect, human, green eye. It was moving very slowly towards me, and as it got closer, I was able to pick out the face that accompanied the eye. It was a familiar face, yet I didn’t know who it was. As the face continued to move towards me, it seemed to go “through” me, and then it was gone. About a second later, another very different eye appeared, attached to a very different face, following the exact same movement pattern..and then another..and another, etc. All in all, I was privileged to see somewhere around 10 different people whom I didn’t know but who seemed strangely familiar. Some of them were women, some were men, some were old, some were young, some had green eyes and some had brown. After I cycled through all the people, they were gone permanently and didn’t re-materialize. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get them to re-appear, so I allowed myself to open my eyes and revel in the amazing experience.

Something to point out before I go on is, I am pretty sure I was awake during this procedure. I felt in control of the situation despite the fact that I couldn’t control “who” I saw, but that I knew it was happening and could open my eyes at any moment if I decided I wanted to end the experience. Another fact here is, all of the “eyes” that I saw were either green or brown. This is interesting because these are the eye colours on the Italian side of my family. My father and I both have green eyes, but my grandfather had brown. The familiarity also went well beyond the eyes–I just felt like I should know each and every one of them. My conclusion to this is, I think these were actually ancestors. It may sound very strange to the average person, but my intuition seems convinced of this, and if there is one thing I have learned over the years, it’s to trust the “inner me” because usually it is trying to tell me something. I feel lucky that they decided to introduce themselves, and the faces are now etched on my brain–I don’t think I will ever forget them now.

I think experiences like these just reaffirm to us as humans that there is so much about the world (or worlds) that we just don’t understand, and we probably never will. I don’t think this is a bad thing, as I think that, knowing everything about all things would take away the mystery of the meaning of life..

These Dreams

I don’t remember my dreams very often, and I think the reason might be that for the most part they are insignificant piles of random thoughts and ideas; in essence, a disorganized mess. Occasionally though, I have the type of dream that just seems so real and alive that it appears to translocate the physical me to the setting of the dream, and I am not only dreaming it but living the dream. I believe this may be my subconscious’ way of letting me know that there is something here that I need to pay attention to. The fascinating part about this altered state (when I am lucky enough to have one) is that they are clairvoyant in nature and I will actually end up visiting the exact location or experience the exact event of a past dream at some point in the future. These dreams used to scare me but now I look forward to them, as they no longer suggest a veering from normality but instead represent a glimpse into the future.

I have also, on occasion, communicated via dreams with those who have passed on, and one of my favorite dreams of this nature was that of my best friend Michelle. About three months after her death, she appeared in my subconscious. In the dream I had gone to pick her up, but it was at a house that I had never seen before-I made a mental note of the house details, as it seemed to be important. I knew she wasn’t alive in the dream, but she was as I remembered her in life–good natured and full of attitude–only..there was a sense of calmness and belonging about her now..there was no conflict or inner struggles, just peace and serenity. She could fly, and she took me all over the world. We saw everything she missed out on in a life that was so tragically cut short for her. After seeing the world, we went higher, past the clouds and into the stars. Here each star was surrounded by beautiful multicolored auras, which seemed to resemble bubbles-they were almost like shields protecting each star from harm, as I was being protected by her. As long as I was with her, I was invincible-I didn’t need oxygen and the laws of gravity did not apply..we could float around up there until forever and a day. I don’t remember everything we did, but I do remember an amazing sense of inner peace. There were no constraints of time as we floated, talked, and laughed..we did everything we would have been doing had she been alive. The dream seemed to go on and on, and I remember thinking that I never wanted it to end. I realized both in the dream and when I woke up, that this is how I wanted to remember her because this is what she is now–a free spirit of peace and tranquility. She sent me a message that night and I believe I recieved it loud and clear–she simply wanted me to know that she was everywhere–she is, for lack of a better phrase, a part of all of us. Just like the bubble-stars, she is my aura..

The Nuttier Me

I am idiosyncratic in nature and I like it that way, never having been much of a fan of normality. I can legitimately claim this because back in 1997, I bought one of those self-help books that identified psychological personality-type, and this is what I was informed of, in no uncertain terms. The diagnosis of idiosyncricity suits me quite well, as I have always felt I was a little nutty. In general, I live life through almost a “psychic” way of being, with intuition and feeling governing me beyond that of what other people seem to feel. I don’t fit into any sort of mold of the human condition, as I don’t really have a specific shape like a square or a triangle. I would consider myself to be more of an amoeba really–except that I don’t change form, I pretty much stay a blob of no particular consistency.

As the idiosyncratic nut that I am, I have had several paranormal experiences. For instance, I can sometimes sense the dead. What might seem to others as a good reason for apprehension and fear, the knowledge that I may not always be alone actually gives me peace of mind. Although I have never actually seen a spirit, my other senses of sound, smell, touch, and unconscious thought have all been used at different times to send messages across the various planes of existence. I believe that extra senses beyond the typical five are simply untapped impressions that most human beings possess-after all, other animals have shown evidence of higher functioning and we are all mammals-but maybe the difference is that most people are just not attuned to these particular ways of being because they are not open to the possibility. This is significant because I believe that, like most things, one has to be in the correct frame of mind in order to experience certain things both normal and paranormal. I think the point that I am trying to make here is, if we open up our eyes and expect more than physical sight, it is amazing what we might “see”..

Rock of Ages

I am one of those rare people who actually hates surprises; it drives me crazy waiting for stuff, such as when holidays or my birthday approaches. Whenever I ask my husband what he got me he responds with the same thing every time: A pet rock.

This is ironic because in all actuality, I really do have a pet rock. I don't really think of my rock as a 'pet' exactly, but for all practical purposes it can in fact, be seen as such. When I was taking an online course in Druidry, one of the assignments was to go out in nature and find a rock that would be used for a specific meditation exercise. It was to be of substantial weight in that, the rock should be heavy enough where I would be able to "feel" that it was there during meditation, but not so heavy as to be painful. The idea was that the rock was to be a kind of guide and grounding for the subconscious mind, and by placing the rock in a comfortable place on the abdominal region of the body, it could be felt at all times and so, allow ourselves to go deeper into the total black of the mind without fear of losing our way, because the weight of the rock would be there to call us back.

I really loved this meditation exercise, and practiced it on a regular basis for about a year. I stopped temporarily because we moved and during the moving process, my rock was packed up and stored, and although I thought of my rock periodically, life got busy and I never quite got around to unpacking it. Over the past year I have been dealing with a very stressful situation and a couple of months ago I suddenly remembered my rock, and I realized how much I missed both my guide and my inner consciousness of the exercise, so I unpacked it and began the meditation ritual once again.

Ever since I re-started this practice, I have realized just how much more relaxed I am and how much better life is; it really does just make everything easier. This really goes beyond the ritual, though. What I have realized is that, not only do I enjoy meditating, but just walking by my rock or touching it briefly also produces this almost euphoric relief that travels through me and invigorates my senses, and I can actually feel the "energy" of the rock when it passes into my field of vision. I think this is, essentially, the spirit of the rock communicating with me, and I think this is why having it around and visible just makes my life experience so much better. It also makes me think how much better my months of stress would have been, had I thought to allow my rock guide to re-enter my life when I needed it the most, but I suppose life is about growing and learning. There is no going back, only moving forward..

Into the Shadows

This year as a whole just seems to be flying by. It feels like only yesterday it was February and we were submitting our packet for Canadian permanent residence, and here it is, the end of October! I am embarrassed to say that today, on October 31st, I am only just now carving my Halloween pumpkin, when it should have been done several days ago. Normally I do like to do it as close to the day as possible, but this is late even for my highly practiced procrastination skills. I have always loved Halloween, both the physical day itself as well as the mere idea of what it represents. As a child I love the trick-or-treating and the candy; as an adult I love the preparation, the actual carving of the pumpkin, and the roasted pumpkin seeds as the end result.

Since moving out to the country, we tend to not do very much on this day anyway--no parties to go to and no one trick-or-treating out this far, so I don't really feel any time constraints--and perhaps this is why I felt no rush to prepare for it this year. However, I have a special reason to carve our pumpkin this year, which has more to do with Shadowfest on November1st, than it does Halloween. As a remembrance tradition to my ancestors, grandparents, best friend, and beloved four-legged companion Eminence, as well as all others who have passed on, I will be making a very special autumn potpourri to burn inside of our jack-o-lantern tomorrow. I plan to burn it all day as reverance to them, and as a reminder to myself that although they're physically gone, they will never be forgotten. I am highly sensitive in regard to the spirit world and my senses, so I am hoping that using smell might "call" them. Who knows--we might have some visitors tomorrow! One can hope.. ;)

The Edge of the Hedge

Physically speaking, I have read that we go through an entire cell regeneration cycle every seven years; meaning, at this point, we no longer have any of our original cells and it can possibly be argued that we 'become' a new person cellularly. I'm not sure if this concept is entirely accurate, but it is very intriguing to me because it makes me wonder if the spirit (or soul) also goes through a similar transformation.

I was born and raised in the Christian faith but cannot ever remember a time that I was really a believer in what I was being taught. Thinking back on my spiritual life as a child, the argument for the seven year spiritual transformation would make sense to me because this is approximately when I began having experiences with other spiritual beings, 'dreams' that seemed more real than I can ever describe, and feelings that didn't fit into the spirituality and religion I was born into.

Over the last 40-odd years, I have been searching for myself. By this I don't mean physically but spiritually. I have known for several decades that I am very spiritual, but not religious at all. This has led me down many paths in an effort to discover "me". As a re-cap of my spiritual life, I have gone from Catholicism to basic Christianity (meaning I believed in God because I was afraid of the repercussions if I didn't) to Atheism, and finally landing on Paganism. Lately I have wondered whether I really fit into Paganism either, being a non-believer in Gods; so I have taken to calling myself Animistic instead, as I do believe in Spirit.

My discoveries have taken me on quite the journey over the last few years. I have studied aspects of Druidry, Shamanism, Wicca, Italian Witchcraft, and Hedgecraft with a few little offshoots thrown into the mix. What I have discovered about myself is that I prefer to be eclectic--choosing one specific path feels very constricting to me, as if acceptance of one specific path means I must accept everything about it whether I believe in it or not. This has led me to my own personal spiritual path as an Animistic Hedgewitch with Italian influences, as I am Italian and want to incorporate my heritage into my own eclectic system.

This blog is a journal of my studies and my discoveries as I begin my journey as a Hedgewitch. The title "The Edge of the Hedge" refers to my discovery of "the hedge" as a metaphor. As a beginner in the tradition of Hedgecraft I have essentially just discovered the hedge, am intrigued by it, and I want to follow the spirits into the hedge and see what there is to see on the other side. I already know I have the spiritual intuition to travel to the other world, and I also know in my heart as well as my spirit that this is who and what I am--I am now simply seeking the courage to step over the hedge to begin the journey. So, with no further ado, this is my spiritual life..